How rough is the Eagles’ search for a new Offensive Coordinator going since Kevin Patullo was given the boot two weeks ago?
Let’s put it this way: More people are interested in seeing Brett Ratner’s new film about Melania Trump than applying for the gig. Other people are taking less stressful jobs, like Air Traffic Control at Dulles Airport or the overnight cook job at a Waffle House in South Carolina.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”, says your Boomer aunt. Right. And nobody wants to have their house egged in the middle of the night by a bunch of drunken crumb-bums, according to sportswriters who claim this happens around here every week. Where’s your sense of adventure, I ask, but I’m digressing.
Brian Daboll booked a U-Haul van for Nashville. Mike McDaniel is taking his talents to Southern California. Charlie Weis, Jr., is headed to LSU. And Matt Nagy won’t return Howie Roseman’s phone calls, according to a Facebook post suspiciously generated from Laos.
Meanwhile, word on the street (for the purpose of this blog post) is that coach Nick Sirianni already “has the position filled.” In an act of desperation, he’s been seen roaming the halls of NovaCare with an old hand puppet he calls, “Lil’ Gepetty”, working overtime and against better judgment to teach it to sing “Four Verticals” in the tone of Benny Bell’s “Shaving Cream”. Staff is nervous, but “Lil’ Gepetty” is getting a better reception than Kevin Patullo.
In a stunning turn of events, people all over the Delaware Valley are claiming to have received a large envelope with Jeffrey Lurie’s face on it, proclaiming, “YOU MAY ALREADY BE THE NEXT EAGLES’ OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR”. It must be true, yours just got lost in the mail, of course. The Internet doesn’t lie.
Or you can believe that the Eagles simply haven’t offered up the position to anyone, but they’re actively looking. (a.k.a. the “LinkedIn” strategy) They swear they’ll find a job tomorrow, please stop asking about my half of the rent money. Sorry, folks, I’m digressing again.
At this point, the Birds might as well pick up Jim Bob Cooter from Indianapolis. If nothing else, we’ll have at least a heavy flow of “cooter” jokes and pray they don’t turn stale and hacky after Week 3. “Cooter goes up the middle”. You can have that one free of charge. Okay, that’s 400 words. I didn’t say they had to make any sense or meaning. Go Birds!